| venting |
[Jul. 7th, 2007|05:45 pm] |
god it's been so long since i've wrote here.
guess things have just been bothering me and instead of talking to people i just decided to write in this thing.
i feel so down lately. not like depressed, just not happy with the way life is going.
I went to U of A today to go check things out. everyone just seemed so happy and content with their life and right now i can think of a billion things i would want to change. friends - being on the top of the list. I have friends, you know the people you rarely talk to, and when you do it's just the "hey how's it going" but i'm talking about the people when you're bored and you're like hey lets call so and so to go hang out. i don't have that and totaly realized it today. I have Emily, the best friend. She's my everything lately. I seriously can't imagine my life without her. She's truly amazing. I have Marcus, who i constantly fight with. Which sucks, because we have been through so much and I don't want to not be friends with him, yet i'm not sure if i even want a relationship with him, but he just is one who will always put me before anyone and listen to me when i need anything and actually respond. One of the only people i've foudn in the world who doesnt just nod their head and listen, he responds and is actually listening to what is coming out of my mouth. Then of course, there is Ryan. who isn't much of a friend anymore. which sucks. we just have different things going on right now. Andrew, yeah.. he's just there. He kinda kicked me out of his life long ago, regardless of what he says. Adam, who has been just there for me throguh everything - yeah, i really can't tell you. He's done. I don't understand how you can have such strong relationships with people and no matter how hard you try to keep them strong, they just die. I miss having people to hang out with. i'm just hurt i guess, because i would consider myself a pretty good friend yet all these people who used to be so close are just gone. i just feel so alone. and that's part of the reason that i've bottled things up so much and kind of secluded myself from the people who try to come in. I just feel like i open up and i let everything out and then things just go downhill. it's horrible, i know.
it's summer. one more year of school until college. shouldn't i be happy and excited? you would think. but of course not .
i'm just so blah, i can't even explain it.
ever since my dad found out he was having a baby with my step mom, i just feel like they have kicked me out as well and they just have different priorities now. i'm just a blob in his life and he only needs me when he wants something from me. you know, feeding the dog while he's out of town. and thinks he can buy my love. i dont want money, i just want a dad. but i guess i can keep dreaming. he has a new family now.
i feel like i'm just throwing everything away and giving up on things..
sitting here crying won't change anything, but at this point, i have no one to talk to. and here goes another bottle of emotions to throw out. never realized how unhappy i was until i wrote this.
here's to a year of stress, unhappiness and the long for the future. a new beginning, a new group of friends and years of new experiences all around. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|10:11 pm] |
so i havent used this in a while, but i guess this is the only place where i can write. without the whole world knowing and not making a big deal about it.
i finally figured out what's been wrong with me. i'm truly unhappy. i guess it's been going on for a few days, maybe a week or so. but i finally figured out why.
i'm stressed out with school. regardless of there being only two weeks left, i'm bombarded with work up and down. i have something going on everyday after school and once school finally ends i start working. there's no me time. seems like lately i have very few real friends. i feel left out with my group of friends. this isnt the first time i've felt this way. it pretty much sucks. like i know i have friends out there, friends that care about me, friends that could give a shit about me. but the fact thinking that you dont really have that many friends sucks. the people i care about most i've been a bitch too. and i guess it's my way of letting my feelings out.
but for the longest time, i've gone to school and been someone i'm not. i'm getting pretty good at it actually. going to school with a smile on my face - pretending everything is alright. but in reality, it isnt. things arent great. things are pretty down right now and it sucks that there's nothing i can do about it. i dont like to talk to people because i dont want people to feel bad for me. treat me differently for what happens in my life..
i feel like i'm letting the ones i love down. like i can't do anything right. i'm tired of crying and feeling bad for myself, but i can't be someone i'm not anymore. i hate feeling this way and hopefully things will get better soon..
but until then. i'm sorry for anything i say and do. |
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| texas |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|09:44 am] |
yayy! texas won!
hook em horns baby ;) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|10:22 pm] |
so my birthday is definitely in 2 days
and i'm super excited.
i love my life. =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2005|08:58 am] |
i got a new cell phone! =)
that's all i have to say
but it's pretty kick ass and i love it haha |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|04:33 pm] |
well...where to begin.
school started yuck!
not as bad as i thought it would be
but definitely isn't the same.
it's finally friday!
and i've got NO plans.
lucky me =) NOT!
borrrinnnggg..
=(
well.. i must be off.
but adam comes home soon!
so so so so so excited. <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|09:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
one more day of work!!! it's about time this day came. of course it's water day. and i'm sick. just great!
going camping on sunday! haha
lauren's sleeping over tomorrow night. i'm pretty sure we're going bowling! =)
school registration on wednesday.. ughhh.
BaCk tO WoRK oN ThUrSDaY! =(
last weekend before school!
gosh this summer went by too fast!
<3 |
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| boooo |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|09:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
well my 4th of july was pretty good.. until fireworks. but we won't get into that.
i won't go into detail on how much i hate two faced people and how they really piss me off. how you can sit there and talk shit & then think everything is all right. well two words for you. i'm done. i'm tired of getting upset & getting hurt because you can't make up your mind. yes.. sometimes i have my moments, but this time just gosh. i thought you guys were there for me all the time and i thought i deserved better than that. but obviously not. today at work, it was pretty good. got hit on by some 13 year old girl.. ehh haha it was funny though. and now i'm sitting here. tomorrow watch MADE! thanks <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|03:45 pm] |
1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Be a gangster and put this in your journal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|10:42 pm] |
i was thinking..
maybe if i updated lauren would
i think i'm going to start using this again, of course, i always say that and i never do.
but whatever and whoever wants to redo this so it's pink! let me know.
=)
so last night i went to laurens and we talked to vinny and watched cruel intentions <3.
the end. =) |
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| =) |
[Apr. 21st, 2005|08:58 pm] |
Alex is coming to visit in the summer!! =)
haha. <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2005|01:45 pm] |
1. Reply with your name
& I will write something lovely about you.
(or not so lovely but honest)
2. I will then tell you what
song[s] remind me of you.
3. I will try to name a single
word that best describes you |
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| yehess! |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|01:48 pm] |
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in school right now. lol freaking bored. i'm tired of looking up statistics of teenage car accidents from last year. =( valentines day was good though. i do indeed miss my friends back in NY. i wish i could go and visit them.but until then. i heart you all =) |
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| long time no write. |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|09:44 am] |
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yeah.. so it's definately been a long time since i've written in this thing. i kinda forgot about it =( i have a xanga though. idk what the difference is between the two.. maybe someone can clarify that for me? |
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| check it outttt |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|04:12 pm] |
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woah. how hot is this lj? haha thanks justin! <33 |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|09:54 pm] |
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heyyy i finally decided to update this thing! =) um..basketball is 2-0. woo hoo! and another long week of school is coming. blah.. anyways - does someone want to help me make this thing all cool? i'd really appreciate it! <33 |
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| sick. |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|08:58 am] |
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Today i'm not at school because of this stupid sickness that i have. :( idk what it is, but it sucks! and i gotta get better before Wednesday.. bummer. so this weekend sucked. i did nothing but sleep. Next weekend better be interesting ;) <33 |
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| first entry |
[Nov. 7th, 2004|01:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
yeah.. so i finally made one, because everyone else has one. now i have a xanga and a lj. how cool am i? =) |
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samheartsy0u's journal